It's The Hormones
by PezberryFeelings
Summary: A 3-shot set 2 years after Wedding Chaos. Rachel, Santana and Kurt are getting set to drive back to Ohio for Finn and Brittany's wedding. They would fly but they can't since Rachel is now 8 months pregnant with their first child.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm pregnant."

It was the best two words Santana has heard Rachel say since she said "I do." They decided that they would inseminate Santana's eggs and implant them in Rachel. Then when it's time for their second child they will do the same with Rachel's eggs and implant them into Santana. Now Santana is a month away from welcoming Ricardo Leroy Lopez into the world. She loved the idea of being a mother and she couldn't be more excited. Even though she realized very quickly that the only person crazier than Rachel is pregnant Rachel...

Rachel is in the bedroom packing up some last minute things while Santana and Kurt are in the living room.

"So how has Rachel been doing lately?"

Santana gapped her mouth a little. "Well..."

_*Flashback*_

_"I want Doritos."_

_Santana nodded. "Sure, I'll get them."_

_Santana went into the kitchen to grab a bag and then handed them to Rachel._

_Rachel grabbed the bag and threw it in Santana's face and started crying. "I don't want these! I changed my mind! Don't you know anything?!"_

_*End Flashback*_

"Wow."

Santana nodded. "And then there was the time..."

_*Flashback*_

_Rachel stood screaming and crying at Santana with bits of cookies flying out of her mouth. "You don't think I'm sexy anymore!"_

_Santana held her hands up. "That's ridiculous. You're still crazy hot. You're beautiful."_

_Rachel calmed down a little. "Really?" Then she shook up a can of vegan whipped cream and squirted it in her mouth._

_Santana stood there wide eyed. "Pssh, yeah. Totally...Like...so hot."_

_*End Flashback*_

Kurt started laughing and Santana slapped his arm. "Seriously though. I love her, she's having my baby...I just want my sexy wife back. The girl who walked around here looking like Anne Hathaway during the Disney years not Britney Spears during the K-Fed years."

"It'll be fine. It's just the hormones. It'll all be over soon."

"Why isn't your boyfriend coming?"

Kurt scoffed. "Like any self respecting gay man would drive half a day to the middle of nowhere with the wicked witch of the west and her crazy pregnant wife if he didn't have to."

Santana pulled him close. "Shh! She might hear you. Three hours ago she burnt the toast and I just got her to stop crying ten minutes before you got here."

"We really do need to get going though. I'm the best man after all."

"Only you could be someone's maid of honor and someone's best man. It must be because you have boy parts but look like an androgynous lesbian."

Kurt smirked. "You know what? Every time you hug your little boy and look into his big beautiful eyes I want you to remember one thing...I masturbated to videos on youporn so you could have it."

Santana looked a little disgusted. Then Rachel came into the room with a bag and Santana grabbed it as she started walking towards the front door.

Kurt smiled. "Hey Rach. You look beautiful."

Rachel kept walking towards the door. "Save it. My back hurts, my feet hurt, I feel like I'm getting cankles and I haven't pooed in two days!" Then Rachel walked out the door and slammed it shut.

Santana just nodded. "It's gonna be a long ride."

* * *

They drove for about ten minutes.

"I have to pee."

Kurt quickly pulled over so Rachel could run into a gas station and then they continued on their way.

They drove for another ten minutes.

"I have to pee."

Kurt rolled his eyes and pulled over again so Rachel can pee and then they continued.

They made it about twenty minutes this time.

"Oh my god!"

Santana was startled and looked at Rachel in the back seat. "What? What's the matter?"

"I have to poo."

Kurt rolled his eyes and growled and started pulling over into a nearby gas station.

Rachel shook her head. "No I can't poo there. We need to stop at a hotel."

Kurt gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned white and drove to the first hotel they could find.

Kurt and Santana were waiting for Rachel in the car and he turned to her. "At this rate by the time we get to Ohio your son will be graduating highschool."

Santana smiled. "Hey it's progress though. This is the girl where the first three months of living together I needed a gym membership for the soul purpose of using the bathroom cuz she wouldn't let me poo in the apartment. Now look at her announcing her own need to make twosies."

"I can't believe the need to poop makes you look this proud. And whatever, she needs to take a nap or something because we can keep stopping every ten minutes."

Santana smirked. "You could tell us the story of how you met your boyfriend again. I could use a little shut-eye myself."

Kurt rolled his eyes.

Rachel got back into the car. "Woo! Let's go! I peed too so I should be good for at least another fifteen minutes."

Kurt smiled. "You know what I was just thinking? I was thinking about the time I met James. It was a cold December night in the city that never sleeps…"

By the end of his story he heard a light snoring coming from both Rachel and Santana.

Kurt sucked his teeth. "While I do appreciate the quiet and that the story worked, that is still beyond rude."

Five hours into the ride Santana finally woke up and asked if Kurt wanted her to take over for a while so he could sleep. He said he wasn't sleepy but that he could still use a rest so they switched spots. They moved slow and carefully so they wouldn't wake Rachel up.

Kurt checked out Rachel in the rearview mirror. "I can't believe Rachel is still sleeping."

Santana smirked. "Shh, don't jinx it."

Kurt smiled. "You know, I don't say this often enough because you scare me but you look beautiful too. Ever since Rachel said she was pregnant you've had this glow going on."

Santana smiled. "I'm just really happy. I love her, I love our baby and I love you too for doing this for us." Then Santana looked serious. "But if you tell anyone I said that I'll kill you and dump the body."

Kurt shook his head and then they heard a yawn and moving around in the back seat then saw Rachel sit up.

Santana smiled. "Hey sleepyhead."

Rachel smiled and wiped a little drool away from her mouth. "I have to pee."

* * *

_**tbc**_


	2. Chapter 2

After a total of ten hours and 27 pit stops, they finally made it to Ohio.

The three of them were walking towards the barn where the wedding And Rachel started tearing up.

Santana looked at her worried. "What's wrong?"

Rachel was sobbing. "I just realized I'm bisexual, I have two gay dads, I'm married to a woman and I'm carrying a baby made from the dna of a lesbian and a gay man."

Santana laughed. "Well when you put it like that you are kind of the poster child for gay rights in America. And that's no reason to cry."

Santana put her arm around Rachel and they entered into the barn to see everyone setting up.

Brittany saw them from across the room. "Yay you made it!"

She ran over and gave the three of them a huge hug. "Geez Rachel, you're huge."

Rachel started tearing up again and then covered her face and ran to a corner of the barn.

Santana rolled her eyes. "I don't think I can take another month of this."

* * *

The next morning Rachel was with Kurt and Finn helping set up some chairs in the barn leaving Santana and Mercedes helping Brittany get ready at a bed & breakfast they decided to get nearby.

"I think Rachel hates me," Santana said, downing another glass of wine.

Mercedes rolled her eyes. "Rachel doesn't hate you. You might be the same way when you get pregnant."

Santana looked at her. "What? Become an evil alien warlord from the planet Pregotron?"

Brittany looked confused. "Rachel's an alien? I always wondered why she was so short."

Santana rolled her eyes. "I'm just saying if she's not crying then she's yelling at me. It's been like this for months. I don't know what to do anymore."

Brittany looked in the mirror then turned back to the girls. "While I'm sure your problems are important I'm the one getting married in an hour. You just have a crazy wife. So how do I look?"

They both smiled and Santana got up to fix her dress a little. "Sorry. You look gorgeous. Ready to get married?"

Brittany smiled. "Well I don't have anything else planned today so I might as well."

They all laughed and started making their way over to the wedding.

* * *

Finn, Rachel and Kurt are setting up chairs.

Kurt grabbed one out of Rachel's hands. "You sure you should be doing this? You don't want to strain yourself."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "I'm not broken, Kurt. I think I can unfold a chair. You and Santana have been acting crazy ever since I got pregnant."

Kurt slowly put the chair down and turned away from her wide-eyed and saying to himself, "don't make a comment. It's not worth the drama."

The wedding was about to start so Finn and Kurt took their places while Rachel sat down and waited for Santana to join her.

A minute later Santana showed up and sat down, putting an arm around Rachel and kissing her cheek. "Hey, how are you feeling?"

Rachel smiled. "I'm okay. I've got some serious indigestion going on though."

Santana looked a little concerned. "You look really flushed. Do you want to go back to the room and lay down?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, it's fine. The wedding is beautiful. Let's just enjoy it."

They sat together watching the wedding and Santana looked over to Rachel and noticed a tear coming down her face.

"Aww babe, you're so emotional."

Rachel shook her head, sobbing. "No…My stomach hurts and I really need to fart."

Santana rolled her eyes and smirked, pulling Rachel in closer.

After the wedding was over everyone cheered and Rachel and Santana made their way to hug the happy couple. They turned and started walking towards the buffet table and Santana smirked. "You waited to fart until you were near Finn so everyone would assume it was him, didn't you?"

Rachel smiled. "Yup."

"That's my girl. How are you feeling now?"

Rachel scrunched her face up. "Still not great. Maybe we should just go back to the room afterall."

Santana nodded. "You got it. I'm just going to say bye to Brit real quick and I'll take you."

Santana ran off and a minute later Finn walked over to Rachel. "Hey I wanted to tell you something."

Rachel turned to him as he tripped, his face landed perfectly into Rachel's chest as Santana came back.

Santana's eyes grew wide. "What the hell?!"

Finn backed up looking shocked. "It's not what it looks like."

Santana folded her arms. "It looks like your face was in my wife's tits."

Finn nodded. "Okay it is what it looks like. But I swear I'm just clumsy. I have no interest in Rachel's boobs."

Rachel punched his arm and started crying. "What's wrong with my boobs? Santana, is there something wrong with my boobs?"

Santana ran over and hugged her. "No, your boobs are fine. They are so big now."

Brittany, Kurt and Mercedes walked over to see what the problem was.

Rachel cried harder. "You think my boobs are small and you only like them now because I'm pregnant!"

"No! I love them all the time. Your boobs are always awesome!"

Rachel knelt down on the floor still crying. "You only love me for my body!"

Santana threw her hands up. "Damnit we were doing so well." She grabbed Kurt's shirt and pulled him in close. "I am in quicksand over here, throw me a rope you idiot!"

Kurt sat next to Rachel and talked to her calmly. "Hey you. You know Santana loves you and you're awesome and you should stop crying...Did you just pee yourself?"

Rachel stopped crying and looked down. "Crap, I think my water just broke."

Santana looked shocked. "That's not possible. You're not due for another month."

Kurt started to panic. "What do you mean your water just broke? I told you not to strain yourself! Does it hurt?"

Rachel shook her head and then a contraction hit and Rachel looked horrified. "Oh god we can't let our baby be born in a barn in Ohio."

Santana started to panic and turned to Mercedes. "We need hot water and blankets!"

Rachel threw her arms up. "I'm having a baby, not a litter of kittens! Take me to a hospital!"

Finn hopped up and ran his fingers through his hair. "What about the wedding?"

Rachel grabbed her stomach and screamed and then Santana started screaming. "Kinda busy here, Finn! You already got married anyway. I'm taking her to the hospital."

Brittany started jumping around. "Oh my god, your baby is going to be born on the day I got married! This is super awesome!"

Rachel started wiping her face after the contraction calmed down and started collecting some of her things. "Yeah the awesomest. Besides the fact I'm about to give birth in a barn like a damn cow! Get me out of here, Santana!"

Kurt threw Santana the car keys. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

* * *

They rushed to the hospital and Santana went up to the front desk. "I think my wife's water just broke and she's only at 34 weeks."

The nurses rushed them both to a room and started running tests and getting everything ready.

Rachel was laying in bed looking at Santana. "We should have never driven here. I'm not supposed to be having a baby today. I just thought I had gas. I guess the good news is this doesn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would."

Santana frowned. "It will be fine. Just hold my hand."

Rachel took Santana's hand just as a much more serious contraction hit. She squeezed hard as she screamed.

Santana's mouth dropped. "Oh my god let go of my hand! Let go!"

A half hour went by with nurses periodically checking on Rachel. Then the doctor and two nurses were walking down the hall and entered into Rachel's room just in time to see her throwing a bedpan at Santana.

Santana ducked. "Okay that had pee in it. Please tell me that was at least your pee."

The doctor told her it's looking like it will all be over soon. When that last contraction stopped Santana went back over and sat next to her.

"You know, I think one baby is enough. I don't need to have one."

Rachel turned to her looking very stern. "Oh you're having one."

After about an hour the contractions were 20 seconds apart and it was time to start pushing.

Santana is holding onto Rachel's hand. "Okay come on, push. You've taken my fist so I'm sure you can push out a babies head."

Rachel let go of Santana's hand and grabbed onto her hair instead. "I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"

* * *

_**tbc**_


	3. Chapter 3

Rachel had a firm grip on Santana's hair. "Ow okay I'm sorry, let go of my hair. Just keep pushing. You're doing great."

Rachel screamed and her head jolted forward, knocking Santana in the nose.

She fell over and Rachel kept pushing and screaming. "Oh god, baby, are you ok?"

Santana stood back up pinching the bridge of her nose. "Wow, you have no idea how much this hurts."

Rachel's eyes got wide and she reached her hand over to choke Santana as she continued to push.

After about 10 minutes the baby is finally out and being cleaned up on a table.

Santana looked over in awe. "He's so small."

Rachel smiled. "He didn't feel small."

The nurse brought the boy over for Rachel to hold and she looked down at him. "Hey you. You got your mommy's big fat head, don't you?"

Santana smiled and kissed Rachel's forehead. "I love you so much."

Rachel smiled. "I love you too. I'm sorry I kinda kicked your ass."

Rachel handed the baby over for Santana to hold.

Santana started crying. "It's okay. I can be a real asshole."

Rachel giggled as the nurse came over and told them they needed to take the baby now and set him up in the nursery.

Santana laid down next to Rachel. "I can't wait until I give birth so I can head butt you in the face and see how you like it."

Rachel laughed, kissed and laid there for a while before walking over to the nursery and leaned up against the glass looking at Ricky.

Santana is smiling. "Are we sure this baby is part Kurt's? It should have been fashionably late, it shouldn't have come early."

Rachel smirked. "Maybe it's part Finn's."

Santana laughed then looked serious. "Don't even joke about that. I'm already trying to deal with where the sperm came from in the first place." Then she turned back to look through the glass. "He's proof that there is a god."

Rachel smiled and leaned into her. "Yeah. Even though he was early he's still perfectly healthy."

Santana smirked. "No. Because he looks like me and not Kurt. But yeah I guess that part too."

Rachel swatted her arm and then Kurt, Mercedes, Finn and Brittany came running into the room.

Kurt scooted up against the glass. "What happened? Is he okay?"

Santana nodded. "Yeah. They tested Rachel's amniotic fluid to make sure his lungs were mature enough for delivery. He's fine. They just want to keep him here for a few extra days for observation but then we should be able to take him home."

Mercedes smiled. "Considering who his parents are I'm sure this kid has the best lungs in the world."

Rachel looked over to Finn and Brittany. "You bailed on your own wedding to come here?"

Brittany smirked. "Well we already got the important part over with, and there are only so many things you can dunk into a chocolate fountain."

They all smiled and Mercedes leaned over. "He looks just like Santana."

Santana smiled. "He's gonna be a ladykiller getting all the pussy just like his mommy."

Rachel looked amused. "Getting all the what now?"

Santana put her arms around Rachel. "I mean he's going to grow up and meet one beautiful woman and fall madly in love and..."

Rachel rolled her eyes and cut her off. "Oh shut up."

* * *

Back in New York 2 weeks later.

Rachel and Santana are walking very lazily around the apartment while Kurt is just watching them. Santana goes into the refrigerator and pulls out a carton of orange juice and grabs a glass. She pours the juice and misses completely, spilling the juice all over the floor. Santana rolled her eyes and Rachel threw a roll of paper towels over it, then they both walked to the living room and sat down.

Kurt just stared at them. "You're moving like zombies. Are you sure you guys are okay? You're acting weird and you look like you haven't slept in days."

Santana shook her head. "Don't be ridiculous. We're not going to be those parents who turn into babies just because they have a zombie."

Rachel smiled. "Hey Kurt, when did you get here?"

Kurt blinked. "I've been here for 3 hours. We were just having a conversation and then you both got up and started walking around for no reason."

Rachel laughed and looked at Santana. "Hey Kurt is here. Get him some juice."

Santana got up and grabbed the juice out of the refrigerator again and started pouring it on the floor.

Kurt ran over and took it from her. "Oh my god, guys seriously go to sleep."

Santana started sobbing and Kurt put his arms around her for a hug and she immediately started snoring into his shoulder. "Okay, wake up. Don't sleep on me." He pushed her back up and walked her over to sit down on the couch.

Kurt sat between them. "I have an idea. Why don't I watch Ricky for the rest of the night and you both just go to bed. I'll call James and tell him I'm spending a few more hours here and I'll change him and feed him and whatever else he needs while you two just get some sleep. How does that sound?"

Rachel looked over to him. "Hey Kurt, when did you get here?"

Kurt rolled his eyes and stood up, grabbing both Santana and Rachel by the hand. "You two go to sleep. I'll take care of the baby." He pushed them into their bedroom and shut the door.

About an hour later he heard the baby start crying so he went into the other bedroom to check on him.

"Oh yeah that's a messy diaper. I got this." He took the diaper off. "Wow that's absolutely disgusting."

* * *

Nine hours later Santana and Rachel woke up and made their way into the living room. They saw Kurt laying half way off the couch sleeping with vomit on his shirt and baby powder on his face.

Rachel shook him awake. "Hey you okay?"

Kurt got up a little startled. "I don't know how you guys do this everyday. All he does is spit up, soil himself and cry. It's like being with Santana after a night out drinking."

Santana smiled. "That's my boy."

Rachel hugged Kurt. "Thanks for babysitting. I feel like such a failed mother though. My baby is 2 weeks old and I already can't handle the pressure."

Kurt smiled. "You're handling it just fine. You just have to learn when it's okay to rest."

Santana sat next to Kurt. "Rachel and I were thinking. I know you're just the sperm donor but Ricky is going to eventually need a man in his life. And since we don't know any, you're our plan b. If you're interested in playing that role."

Kurt shook his head while smiling. "That has got to be one of the meanest yet nicest things you've ever said to me. I'd be more than happy to be cool uncle Kurt."

Santana nodded. "More like room temperature uncle Kurt"

Kurt rolled his eyes and looked at Rachel. "How was your nap?"

Rachel smiled. "Fantastic."

Kurt nodded. "Great. I'm going home to burn my clothes. See you tomorrow."

Kurt left and Santana pulled Rachel in to cuddle on the couch. "So...sex? It's been a really long time."

Rachel looked up at her shocked. "I just had a baby! There won't be anything touching my downstairs in quite some time."

Santana rolled her eyes. "Now I know for sure Ricky is part Kurt's."

Rachel's drew her eyebrows in. "Why?"

Santana smirked. "Because he's already cockblocking me."

Rachel shook her head. "You are living proof that you don't have to like someone in order to love them."

Santana leaned in to give Rachel a soft kiss. "I love you too."

They heard crying from the baby monitor. Santana kissed Rachel's hand and then intertwined their fingers together as they got up and walked into Ricky's room.

* * *

**The End**


End file.
